'suicide hotline!...please hold...'

A year has passed. I am still miserable, unable to rid my self of that dark empty pit in my stomach that cannot be filled with food, and I do love food (mmm. Risotto Milanese). What’s more I have grown enormously bored, with everything. I have decided that it is time I do it. I will be ending my stay here on earth. I will kick the bucket. I will cut the rope; stick my head in the oven (not literally).
You get my drift I’m sure.
I am 92% convinced that this is the right thing to do. It is. Right?
Well of course it is you dodling imbecile.
Tomorrow night. That’s the best option.
Where, though? When? How?
Ok. Don’t panic tackle it one at a time.
I would so like it to be done nicely and romantically without causing the least inconvenience to anyone, since that would be most selfish. Like those blithering idiots who jump in front of trains in the metro. They have to delay everyone’s day. I find that most unthoughtful of them. No, I wish to do it in the privacy of my own home. Oh! But what about my cousin? He never knocks, just rudely intrudes. Well I will just have to wait till he leaves for work. He won’t be back till six. Perfect. Puurfect!!
Oh, this is most exciting.
Now, how will I do it?
Well preferably in the least painful way…Drowning in the bath? NO! First of all, too much effort, second of all, I will look awful with wet hair.
Inhaling gas? No, too much effort, plus wasting all that gas on myself would be most unkind to my cousin who might want to cook something for himself in the evening. Jumping? Absolutely not, first of all, I am deathly afraid of heights (Haha! Deathly) (Honestly sometimes I find myself too funny for my own good… touché!).
Where was I? Yes…Second of all jumping will create a huge mess, again I know I’m beautiful, but even Audrey Hepburn would look terrible with her insides splattered everywhere. Oh and of course, thirdly, what if I land on someone. Now that is just unfair. That is why I shouldn’t jump.
I think that leaves me with the only other option…PILLS. Mmmmm. Perfect. Puurfect!! Its almost as perfect as my delicious risotto Milanese.
Ok. So…what pills?
Ok, ok, lets see, what to I have in the medicine cabinet? Paracetamol, Ibeuprophin, antihistamines, calpol for kids, I think I’ll go with the bottle of paracetamol, its full, the pills are pink, very cute! Perfect. Ok, well until tomorrow you lovely little bottled bundle of freedom.

It is today. The day. I’m not as scared as I thought I would be… Anyways, there is nothing to fear in a few hours it will be all over.
I just realised that I haven’t defecated in three days. That is my problem. I have chronic constipation. I’m usually ok with it but I don’t want to die full of shit. Literally (Haha! Touché again!). Ok well I’ll try going now.

I tried to go. No luck. I’ll try again later. Ok now, go and say good morning to Sammy and pretend it is a beautiful day for life.

“Hello Sammy!! My beautify cousin! It is such a great day for life… In fact I think today is the first day of the rest of my life! I feel so alive, so full of life and energy!”
Well-played Rawan, Bravo!! You have fooled him!! Thank you, thank you, I will accept the Academy Award for best actress.
After my brief performance my cousin looks up from his breakfast and newspaper and gives me an incredulous stare, “What are you on?”
My smile slowly fades; maybe I only deserved a Golden Globe.
No matter, don’t let him see through you…
“What am I on? How ridiculous you are! Am I not aloud to be happy for once?!” I raised my voice towards the end of it…Oops.
Then he does something unexpected, he giggles and says, “That is the little girl I know and love so much!” He gives me a grimace, the ones you give to babies.
I sarcastically return it and stomp off to my room.
Ha! You got him, you fiend! Bravo, you do deserve the Academy Award, to hell with the Golden Globe.
My cousin screams, “I’m going to work now, Ill see you in the evening! And I’m bringing Maya over for dinner so can you please make something good, I’m looking to impress. What about your incredible Risotto Milanese, you know how much I love it!”
I hate that girlfriend of his. The moron, always smiling at everything, she’s always so happy. What on earth is there to be happy about, she truly is a nitwit. I don’t think she is intelligent enough for my risotto.
“BYE!!” he screams, “BYE!” I scream back.
I guess I will have to go buy the ingredients for dinner now. Bother. Bother, bother, bother.
NO!! Hey wait, no!! I have plans today; the thought of that risotto was the cause of the digression from my original plan.

Enough! Enough time wasting.
Risotto or no Risotto, constipation or no constipation. I am going to go through with my ingenious plan.

After acquiring the pills and a glass of water, going into my room and closing the door, I take a quick look in the mirror. Perfect. I sit down on the floor by my bed, pills beside me and take a good look around.
Nothing… I will miss nothing. You will miss nothing I tell myself.
Now, time for the performance, I turn on my theme music, Pink Floyd, Echoes. Perfect. Puurfect.
I look down at the bottle of pills. I open it and take out one pink pill. I pop it in my mouth and chase it with a sip of water. There, that wasn’t so bad.
Before taking the next one, a famous last line recited by the Roman Emperor Nero enters my brain, “Oh what and artist dies in me”. God Bless him!
So I then take the second one and hesitate before swallowing the third.
Fear of death is starting to take hold, questions rush through my mind, such as “is there an after world? Will I be judged? Who will take my clothes and jewellery when I’m gone”.
Get a hold of yourself girl, that stuff doesn’t matter, you will not be conscious, you will be dead.
Ooh! But it does matter… peu importe. If I take them pill-by-pill I will be sitting here till tomorrow morning.
I grab the bottle and bring it to my lips.

A second before the contents of that little bottle empties itself in my mouth; my bedroom door is pushed open (I wish there were locks in this house).
Not having moved from the position I was in, bottle near my mouth, I freeze and look up.

“What the fuck are you doing? What’s this music?” Sammy asks with a look of disgust and disbelief on his face.
I Panic.
“What does it look like I’m doing?
I’m checking to see whether this paracetamol is expired or not. I was merely smelling it. As for the music, I don’t know what you are talking about. I don’t here any music. Furthermore shouldn’t you be at work by now?”
At this point I bring the bottle up to my nose and sniff it, “Oof! That smells terrible, yes they definitely are passed their due date!”
“You were trying to kill yourself again? What’s the matter with you are you crazy? If I hadn’t come back for my keys you would be dead?? What’s wrong with you?”
Too many questions, he reminds me of the FBI.
“Kill myself? What a notion! What an incredible imagination you have! Why on earth would I try something of the sort? How dare you accuse me of doing such a thing!?”
“You are coming with me now.”
“No I am not. And where might I ask?”
“For a drive. Lets go, get up.”
“Thank you, however I have no desire to leave the house at this moment. I am not moving from my position.” I shoot back, close my eyes and stick up my nose feigning pride. At this point my darling cousin walks towards me and lifts me up.
“You don’t have a choice.” He states, very flatly if I may add.

…Ok so all that was bullshit,
You know what, I never actually tried to kill myself…and I don’t have a cousin called Sammy, I have a cousin called Basil, though, and he has a cousin called Sammy…